The Stout Republican

In light of the recent allegations against George Allen, I feel that I should come clean now…before someone else beats me to it. So if you are faint of heart, turn away now. Otherwise…read on…

So this is the truth as it is, since some day I hope to have a small career in politics. Damn my Canadian blood which makes me ineligible for Presidency, but amazingly witty and attractive…but I can lower my expectations, and deal with Senator, or Governor or something. So here it is.

1. I have made, laughed, and continue to listen to jokes that are racially insensitive, to pretty much every race on earth (except perhaps the Norwegian, no one pays attention to them). My favorite is as follows:

What is twelve inches long, and white.

Nothing!

2. I have laughed at jokes that degrade and poke fun at the mentally handicapped, and the physically handicapped. I will probably continue to do so in the future…it’s out of my control. I think this affliction is genetic, I really can’t help myself.
3. I have consumed liquor, to the point of drunkenness. This is how most of my public political conversations have been started. I have drunk in excess more…far more…than once.

4. I have sped on the highway. For this I am not sorry. That does in fact make me a sociopath.
5. Once I punched my brother about his stomach and chest area.
6. I was present with my wife when she accidentally brought a small keychain knife onto a plane when we were visiting the motherland (oh Canada…). I was also there when the Canadians found said knife at their checkpoint. The American side missed it.
7. Sometimes I blame my gas on the dogs. They’re pugs, so it’s totally reasonable to believe they are at fault. (Caveat – sometimes I forget to flush. She threatens divorce.)
8. When I was young, I shoplifted…I got caught, but I still tried. For this I am sorry.
9. I have lied to my parents, my grandparents, and therefore by proxy, as they are members of this country, the American people.
10. I started this web page when I was a registered Independent.
11. I have called in sick to work in the past, when I was in fact, not sick, but just tired.
12. Once…I faked it.
13. I got a ticket for littering. I had to pick up garbage for the county of San Diego.
14. I have seen XXX movies…again, more than once.
15. I have gambled illegally over a miniature golf game. I won five dollars, and my pride back.
16. I sometimes tip less that 15%, when the service sucks.
17. I enjor beer too much. To me it is an artform, perfected by the Belgians, made cheap and watery in the USA.
18. *To be filled in on my soon approaching birthday weekend.*

This is my confession. Keep it a secret…because at some point, this can come back to haunt me. Now can I run for Congress?

Beer, Rant