The Stout Republican

We all watch the discovery channel…now before you decide to dispute that generalization understand that to do so means you are not part of the we I referred to, which indicates  you must be one of two things:  stupid…or gay?  Odd connection to make…but there it is, I made it and I stand behind statements I make regardless of what evidence might turn up.  I believe lefties call this the “Bush Complex” and laugh about it behind Republican’s backs, which is fine because we run the country and laugh about it to their (Mark’s) faces.  Take satisfaction in what you can right?

So not wanting to be stupid…or gay…I happen to watch TDC from time to time.  I’ve found that it’s easier to tell myself college is unnecessary when I memorize tons of trivial knowledge and regurgitate inaccurately but with impressive confidence at social gatherings (bars) and shindigs (bars).  If there’s something you take away from this, let it be that the acquisition of information in mass quantities mixed with the ability to speak with…dramatic pauses…to keep listeners at the edge…of…their…seats, will trump any real intellect in most circles you or I hang with any day of the week.  GoingThere seems to have mastered the other way to fool the flock, read any of his posts a couple of times before going to a corner and crying at what fraud and vocabulary failure you are and you’ll know what it is I’m referring to.  Enough deviating for one post, ritalin at ready I will try to stay on topic, that topic being:  The Black Dahlia.

Now if you have watched any amount of TDC (if there’s anyone around while you read this just act like you do lest you be ousted for what you are…idiot), then somewhere between “How Awesome Bridges Are” and “How Inaccurate Braveheart Was” you may have seen a special on the Black Dahlia murder mystery of 1947.  Hours could be spent describing history and possible events about this particular homicide, but seeing as this is a review of the movie I will only describe what from the non-fiction of it bleeds into the fictitious movie.  Elizabeth Short was born in Massachusetts and moved to California when she was 19 to break into the film industry.  She was largely unsuccessful by most counts.  She was murdered at age 22 and dubbed the Black Dahlia by the media because she was often seen in life dressed completely in black.  As far as movie accuracies go that seems to be about it.  Here’s a link to the most complete site I could find but I’d make sure you have a couple of hours free since you get sucked into the evidence and resulting theories.

Brian de Palma’s adaptation of James Ellroy’s book the Black Dahlia opens with Dwight “Bucky” Bleichert (played by Josh Hartnett) waiting in a locker room for a boxing match he’s a contender in.  Bucky is also an officer in the LAPD.  Leland “Lee” Blanchard, the opponent (played by Aaron Eckhart) also happens to be in the LAPD.  Both men are ex-professional fighters, and through a series of flashbacks before the start of the match we are given all the necessary background on the two to understand what the match is all about.   After the match it’s back to every day cop stuff where a promotion to warrants for Bucky gets him Lee as a partner.  The two quickly become best friends as the spend the days and nights catching thugs and killers who are trying to avoid the law.  It is during the stakeout of one of these thugs that they are dragged into a homicide case, which just so happens to be the murder of one Elizabeth Short.  The two are promoted to homicide in order to help in the investigation (to the delight of Lee and chagrin of Bucky), and things slowly start spiraling out of control from there.  Careful for twists and turns as they are abound in this one.

A very intentionally clichéd film noir, all the way down to the smooth saxophone background throughout.  Shot with such attention paid to darks and lights that you could swear at times you were watching an old black and white.  Over dramatically acted, but again done so intentionally in order to set the mood.  And set the mood it did.  This film sets so many moods it makes Michael Mann look like Michael Bay.  Technically speaking very well done, some especially good camera work in the seen where Bucky meets the parents of Madeleine Linscott (played by the always good Hilary Swank). 

Now, that all being said, let me tell you why I didn’t like this movie.  For me there’s a point when artsy steps over an invisible line and turns into experimental gothic garbage.  If the story had done something for me I wouldn’t have cared so much, except that after the first interesting bit about the two becoming friends and getting dragged into the investigation it just got dull, leaving me to focus wholly on the bad mood it was putting me in… intentionally!  Every new plot development left me wondering why they were taking this movie so far away from anything that resembled a plausible explanation, that the only way they could’ve gotten it back on track was with a sequel that opens, “The first one was a bad dream and here’s the real story.” 

A movie that in my humble opinion does a better job of presenting an unsolved mystery is From Hell.  The difference being that the Jack the Ripper theory presented in From Hell used real events, real people, and realistic explanations.  I couldn’t have cared any less by the time The Black Dahlia wrapped things up with its explanation for the events.  If things had happened in real life the way they did in the movie it would’ve been bigger news than the murder itself.  By the time it was done I was left wondering why it all happened (referring to the actual making of the movie more than the plot within the movie).  Do yourself a favor if you’re interested in this murder mystery, put ten dollars into an envelope and mail it to me.  Then go to the Black Dahlia website via the link I provided earlier which is much more interesting than the movie, plus I promise I’ll spend your money better than if you’d have gone.  Or if you’re just having too good a day and you want your mood ruined, then send me your address with the ten dollars and I’ll personally come kick your dog in front of you and save you two hours and one minute of your time.

(Start smooth sax background)
I found I was saying half what I wanted with twice the words I needed.  If I didn’t stop typing now I was going to get wordier than a dame on the sauce.  I’ll see you next time movie review, but I’ll be a straight cop in LA if I let you get the better of me again…

-The Right Wing

See other reviews by the Right Wing HERE.

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